First!

This week, a sports talk host at some bum-freak radio station in Indiana caught flak for suggesting that Michigan State coach Mark D'Antonio suffered his heart attack because he beat Notre Dame, which is apparently God's Team.

Whatever.

Also, GO SPARTANS!

This stupid-ass DJ isn't the first idiot of the airwaves. Lots of broadcasters have gotten in trouble for saying stupid, um, stuff: Don Imus, Steve Lyons, Jimmy The Greek, Howard Cosell, etc., etc. – and that's just in sports.

Whenever media folk get in trouble for saying something that tweaks or freaks people out and then leads to reprimand or termination, somebody always defends them by saying, “Hey, it's a free country!”

Thankfully, that's so right. But, also, so what?

Before we go any further, let's confront The First Amendment to The Constitution of The United States of America:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. http://www.usconstitution.net/const.html#Am1

For many of you, that may be the first time in your life that you have actually read The First Amendment. That's cool; I don't judge. But I do think you should take the time now to read it again. Like, right now!

I'll wait.

You know what that says? It says that I can jump up from my cubicle and shout, “My boss is a freaking idiot!” – and my government cannot arrest and imprison me. God bless America!

You know what it doesn't say? That my boss can't fire my crazy, insubordinate ass.

For the record, just in case my boss ever reads this, I do not think he is a freaking idiot. See, I am intelligent enough to know the consequences of my saying that he is – which is why I would never say such a thing near my cubicle or on this blog or on ESPN.

Please do not misunderstand me. I want to hear voices of provocation and dissent, and I want those voices to get the widest possible audience. And I definitely want those voices to use The First Amendment to its fullest extent under the law. But those voices have never come from The Corporate Media. And they never will.

Yeah, it sucks. Deal with it.

So, if a richly-paid broadcasting professional is too stupid or too arrogant to know how a workplace works, if a broadcasting professional is too stupid or too arrogant to understand how The Media – his profession! – works, if a broadcasting professional is too stupid or too arrogant to understand how Society works, and if a richly-paid broadcasting professional is too stupid or too arrogant to understand how The Marketplace works, then this stupid and arrogant asshole deserves to be fired simply for being so freaking stupid and arrogant!

But it ain't about The First Amendment.

You Really Oughta See Me In My Skinny Jeans

A few months ago, I bought my first pair of skinny jeans. At the time, I was a little above my ideal weight. It was winter, pizzas got delivered – I got fat. So, even though they fit, I did look slightly ridiculous in them. I forgot about the jeans.

Since then, I've slimmed down and tightened up and rediscovered the pants. In fact, I'm wearing them now. And I have to say: I love these jeans!

I am a child of the Eighties. Throughout that decade, like every cool high school and college kid, I wore skin-tight Levi's 501s. I even had a pair that were black and pin-striped. Yes, there was a slight learning curve with the buttons, but it was so worth it. Because, damn, I looked good! And they were comfortable.

The next two decades were hard on me, jeans-wise. I had two choices: baggy, floppy pants that belted at my thigh or high-waisted, industrial-strength grampa pants. If you weren't a gang-banger wannabe or a refrigerator repairman, there just were not any appropriate jeans choices for the average adult male. So, I wore a lot of Dockers.

Oh, and another thing: I have great thighs! Back in the Eighties, male thighs were everywhere. Jeans were tight. Shorts were really short. Quadriceps had an open forum to express themselves in sports, movies, music and your backyard barbecue. Then it stopped. Now, even male beachwear is baggy and hits below the knee. There has not been a public sighting of a straight male thigh since 1992.

So, as both a wearer and an admirer, I like that skinny jeans hug and define the thigh. And the hips. Even the calves. It's cool to wear again a pair of jeans that actually fit me, that aren't just a belted sack. Unlike my old 501s, they have a zipper. Like them, they're comfortable!

So, you really oughta see me in my skinny jeans – cuz, I look, um, fabulous!

Heavily Peppered Mayonnaise

You've seen the commercial. Two twenty-something douche-bags taunt an older latina woman with their cheap-ass Taco Bell Flat Bread Sandwiches and make fun of her limited language skills. Really. Taco Bell, of all corporations, is denigrating Mexicans.

But, here's the thing that really sticks in my craw (and I know full well where my craw is – do you?):

I've tried it – and Taco Bell's Flat Bread Sandwich absolutely sucks! I mean, big-time sucks. Those two ass-wipes are heralding a sandwich that features dried-out chicken smothered in heavily peppered mayonnaise - MAYONNAISE. And they're bullying this poor Sandwich Lady?

Good thing we live in a post-racial society.