Wars On Christmas? Really?

Tis the season for certain cable news networks and disingenuous politicians to hunker down and fight against all those many Wars On Christmas. Here are my three favorites:

Happy Holidays! = A War On Christmas?
People who say “Happy Holidays!” are merely trying to convey Tidings of Goodwill to as many people as possible during a season when there are a lot of holidays. Instead of getting all pissy because someone was nice to you outside of your narrowly-defined, tight-ass parameter, just be thankful nobody is saying what you probably really deserve to hear: “Fuck off, ass-wipe!”

X-mas = A War On Christmas?
Again with the paranoid, “persecuted” Christian! Cuz, it's just so gosh-darn hard nowadays to practice Christianity in this country! Try taking Communion in a dingy, rat-infested basement, hoping that none of your rag-tag band of congregants is really an undercover government agent who will send you and your family to a forced-labor camp. Otherwise, knock it off with your ridiculous and historically inaccurate rants about NOTHING! Here's a link: http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1627/why-is-christmas-abbreviated-xmas

Commercialism = A War On Christmas?
For eleven months of the year, Conservative Christians rant that anything less than pure, unregulated Capitalism is Satanic Socialism. But the day after Thanksgiving, shopping suddenly becomes a kick in Jesus's groin because “Commercialism takes the meaning out of Christmas?” If Capitalism is indeed the Christian Way, how can the Biggest Capitalist Event of the Year – which drives our entire economy and is done in His name – demean Christ? Isn't Decadence the best way to boost Capitalism? And isn't that why it is morally wrong to tax the Rich? I am fully aware that a Christian Capitalist need buy just one yacht to do God's Work. But how many Chia Pets does a poor fuck like me need to buy to get to Heaven? I'm no economist, or a theologian – perhaps a Conservative Christian can explain all this to me.

But, unlike certain cable news hosts, I choose not to be perpetually angry, especially at this time of the year. So, I say unto you, with all the Love and Peace and Tidings of Great Joy in my heart, “MERRY X-MAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”